Ladies, let’s talk. You’re lying there, things are happening, your partner is doing their thing… and you’re just like, okay, so when does the magic start? If sex feels like a whole lot of nothing, you are not alone—and you are definitely not broken.
But let’s get into it. Why does sex sometimes feel like… well, tax season? (AKA, something you just sit through, waiting for it to be over.) Science has some answers, and I’m here to break them down for you. Grab your wine, bestie, because we’re about to get into it.
1. Your Nerves Might Not Be on Board
Your body has a VIP club of nerves responsible for pleasure, and if they’re not getting the right kind of stimulation, you’re not getting the fireworks. The clitoris alone has over 8,000 nerve endings (more than the entire you-know-what on a man), and if those aren’t being engaged properly, sex can feel pretty meh. If penetration alone isn’t doing it for you, that’s normal! Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to feel pleasure.
2. Hormones Be Wildin’
Hormones control everything from your mood to your libido, and if they’re out of whack, so is your sex life. Low estrogen (which can happen from birth control, stress, or just being a woman in this economy) can lead to vaginal dryness and decreased sensitivity. Meanwhile, low testosterone—yes, women have testosterone too!—can kill desire and pleasure.
3. Anxiety Is the Ultimate Blocker
Girl, if your brain is busy drafting your grocery list during sex, that’s a problem. Anxiety and stress activate your body’s fight-or-flight response, which literally shuts down pleasure signals. Your brain is too busy trying to “survive” to let you enjoy the moment. So if you’re overthinking, stressing about your body, or worried about performance, your nerves aren’t going to send those “yes, this feels amazing” signals.
4. Not Enough Foreplay (AKA, Rushing the Process)
If your partner thinks foreplay is a 30-second warm-up before the main event, we have a problem. Your body needs time to get into it. Without proper arousal, your vaginal tissues don’t get enough blood flow, meaning they won’t be as sensitive. Solution? More foreplay. More kissing, more touching, more anticipation. Period.
5. Your Anatomy Might Be Unique
Some women have nerve endings placed differently, meaning what works for one person might not work for you. The distance between your clitoris and vaginal opening plays a role, too. If your anatomy makes penetration alone less stimulating, you’ll need to mix it up with different positions or external stimulation. Experimentation is key!
6. Medical Conditions That Could Be a Factor
Sometimes, there’s a deeper issue at play. Conditions like vaginismus (where the vaginal muscles involuntarily tighten), pelvic floor dysfunction, or nerve damage can all make sex feel uncomfortable or numb. If you suspect this, a visit to a doctor or pelvic floor therapist might be worth it.
7. You’re Not Actually Turned On
Listen, sometimes we go through the motions because we think we should be into it. But if you’re not truly feeling it—either emotionally or physically—your body isn’t going to respond the way you want. Emotional connection, feeling safe, and actually being turned on matter more than people realize.
So, What Can You Do?
- Figure out what you like: Masturbation isn’t just for single folks. Learning what feels good solo can help you communicate what works with a partner.
- Switch things up: If the usual routine isn’t working, try different positions, sensations, or even toys.
- Talk to your partner: If they’re just poking around cluelessly, that’s a conversation worth having. Good sex starts with communication.
- Check in with your body: If something feels off hormonally or physically, don’t be afraid to talk to a doctor.
Bottom line? Sex should feel good. If it doesn’t, it’s not your fault, and it’s definitely not something you have to settle for. Your pleasure matters, queen. Now go forth and get yours!
